As a stand-up comic, my nights are filled with open mics and shows, engaging in enough small talk to fuel a multitude of dinner parties. Interestingly, the way I navigate one-on-one conversations often feels more significant than the material I deliver on stage. The term “perform” may be the stumbling block for many attempting small talk.
Irrespective of your profession, we’ve all experienced that uneasy feeling when entering a room full of unfamiliar faces. The desire to make a positive impression and engage in intelligent, witty conversation is often overshadowed by creeping anxiety. The focus shifts from genuine connection to social “performance.”
Today’s advice on reducing social anxiety comes from a TikTok by Danielle Bayard Jackson (@thefriendshipexpert). She emphasizes that the primary aim in a conversation should be curiosity, not performance. Drawing from my experiences, I’ll delve into tips for more meaningful conversations, gleaned not only from the hours I’ve spent engaged but also from enduring conversations where individuals seemed more focused on performing than connecting.
How to enhance conversations: Prioritize curiosity over performance Shifting your focus from performance to curiosity not only diminishes social anxiety but also fosters more meaningful conversations. Here are some tips:
- Pose open-ended questions: Instead of indulging in self-centered “performance,” inquire about others. Bluntly ask questions like “What do you enjoy about your work?” or “Where did you grow up?” These open-ended queries initiate dialogue, allowing for genuine interest to surface. Listen attentively and pose thoughtful follow-up questions.
- Embrace silences: Natural pauses in conversations need not induce discomfort. These moments allow both parties to reflect on the discussion. Resist the urge to fill these gaps with nervous rambling. Embrace the silence, allowing for thoughtful contemplation and potential additions to the conversation.
- Offer sincere compliments: When you genuinely admire something about someone, express it sincerely. Simple yet genuine compliments, such as “That’s a nice watch” or “You have a good eye for art,” can open doors for further open-ended questions. Avoid flattery for its own sake; tasteful, sincere compliments create openings for authentic dialogue.
- Avoid oversharing: Recognize the temptation to monopolize conversations with nervous oversharing. Keep the focus on the other person by sharing personal details or stories only when relevant. Resist the urge to fill space solely for the sake of talking.
- Stay present: Anxiety may lead to distraction, with thoughts racing ahead. Take a breath, refocus on the present moment, and avoid stressing about the direction of the conversation or dwelling on past awkward moments. Stay engaged in the here and now.
Ultimately, fostering better, less anxious conversations involves tuning into others without preconceived expectations. Cultivating curiosity and genuine interest opens the door to honest dialogue, while a focus on performance and posturing tends to close it off. Shifting your mindset can lead to connections that are more authentic, unfiltered, and fulfilling.
